Dave Matthews in My Car

Loneliness rings out like a church bell
Across the vastness of who she is
As she sits in the parking lot,
Dave Matthews sings of filling the emptiness
She lowers her driver's seat
To escape the passing eyes devouring her face

She throws her arms over her eyes
And begins to weep without shame
Dave Matthews still coos of Grey Street
And doing anything to fill the loneliness

Relying on others never works
She digs deep into herself
Only to find memories of a neglectful mother,
A workaholic father and pangs of guilt and hurt

Her face is lined with mascara strokes down her cheeks
She feels the wetness as she glides her fingertips across them, smearing them
She stares into the rearview mirror and sees a little girl
Who in the face of others' selfishness could not hide anymore

She wedges back into the crack of depression
Where she hid for so many years
Away from her neglectful mother, her workaholic father
And the loneliness that plagues her now

Perception of Beauty

4/4/11- 11pm-ish

Perception of Beauty

The scale’s red numbers light up as she stares down upon them

Judging them with a harsh mirror of society

Knees meet linoleum

Finger in her mouth

She gracefully lurches forward

Her frail body swaying

Like a tall prairie grass in a listless breeze

She feels the upheaval again

An old friend appearing once more

She reaches for the porcelain sides she’s shackled to

And braces for impact

Her contents laid out, she wipes her mouth

And discards the evidence of her failures

She hops back on her sovereign master

The scale’s red numbers light up,

One pound down, she smiles

And walks out as if nothing happened

Beauty has become tainted by a mask of deceit

Society imposes impossible feats to mark true beauty

Skinny body, smooth skin, luscious lips, tight butt, longer lashes,

Painted nails, designer clothes, stylish hair,

The demands we’ve placed upon ourselves

Have outgrown our own capabilities

Giving us a limitless example of our faults

Leading us to an insatiable desire and quest for perfection

That no one can conquer

I wonder if

I wonder if you ever have a fleeting thought of me

If you ever look at something and flashback

To a time when we, underneath the bunk bed,
Laid together knowing that the world was ours

I wonder if you ever feel the same longing

As we once had, while with her,

Knowing what you did when we were still meshed

And me loving every minute of it til the very end

I wonder if you ever regret what you did to me

If you ever look at yourself in the mirror

Hating yourself as I hated you then

And believing the very lies you used to hide your faults

I wonder if she's as good to you as I was

If she loves you, devotes her life to you as I did

Do you look at her and think of me?
Does her kiss remind you of mine?

I wonder if you ever really did stay true to me

At least physically, since we both know the truth

About your mental and emotional cheating

How you two knew, before it was over, your fate

I wonder if after all of this time you can still say

That you loved me with all of your heart

That you wanted to marry me and me bare your children

That you wanted to love and live with me until the end of time

I wonder if it was ever real or just some game

We played together, because we didn't know what else to do

Did we ever love each other or was it just a childish fling?
A three and a half year event full of passion, friendship, and 'I love you's

I wonder if I can ever completely forget our memories

And rely fully on the present and the future to let me

Dive into them and emerse myself in my current world

Of love and life and happiness without you

I wonder if my life can be rid of the demons of the past

And the devils of my sin and be a blank sheet of nothingness

Ready to be forgotten, shed like dead skin

Where you are not even a memory

I wonder if I would be where I am without you

If I would have learned all that I know now without you

Breaking my heart so thoroughly and without emotion

Would I still have dug into my soul to find myself?

I wonder if it would have worked out at another time in life

What if we waited? Would anything have come from it?

We were children just living for each other with nothing to lose

And everything to gain except a love that we couldn't understand

I wonder if I am who I am because of you

I ask myself often if you changed me at all

And I know that you have, but it was for the worst

For I had to hit rock bottom before I could go back up to myself

I wonder if you cared as I fell apart, alone without my best friend

Or my lover there to comfort me and tell me life would get better

Did you ever care or was that just an act to get what you wanted?

Was I just a play thing or was that only in the end?

I wonder if you knew how to tell people or if you just let them

Make their own assumptions, like your mother who I still talk to

I doubt you had the balls to tell them you cheated

That you really were the one to blame and not just me

I wonder if you lied your way out of your feelings so you could

Be with her, like you never really loving me, or love leaving suddenly

Look at you now...look where you've gone...and then look at me

You painted this picture, but I am fine so in the end, all is well with me
Is it well with you?