The Friend

I'm grabbling at the reigns
Trying to make sense of the familiar
I'm lost in my own heart
Things that were once real have faded

A girl in need of a guide
Both have failed and others take their place
Lacking in the one thing to make her whole
I see what you have and envy you for it

I pity myself and my circumstances
I hang my head low, feeling left out
I've been abandoned by the abandoned
The sick cycle continues

You cannot fill this void
I try to mold you into its shape
I need a friend there to heal me
You are the only Friend I need

I look to others in an attempt to regain control
Only You can control
I try to hide my insecurities and emptiness
There is no hiding from You

From the depths of my soul comes a hideous yell
You quench my thirst
Leading me to a peaceful forest
Where I lie in Your arms as you save me

Unappreciated

Even when I'm mad, I think of you
Even when I'm over here
And you're over there, I think of you
Even when you don't care,
You roll your eyes,
You say I'm being dramatic,
I still think of you

I'm thinking of you now,
But I don't want to give in.

You make me feel unappreciated.
I feel unappreciated.
I am unappreciated.
Unappreciated.
The word even sounds like it's in dispair.
Much like I am at the thought of your
Handsome face wriggling for my help
At every turn.

I give reluctantly and you slither away
Until the time comes when I am needed again.

A Whole New World

I just want to be near you
In everything I do.
I want to enjoy this world with you.
I want to love you.

You make me want to be a better person.
You make my heart yearn for more.
You make me fall hopelessly in love with you
So that it's hard to do things on my own.

I would love to be more independent.
I would love to have a better grip on myself.
I would love to be able to do things
Without the thought of you crossing my mind every time.

You are the reason I am still smiling.
You are the reason I love life.
You are the reason I still have hope in my future
And in our future together.

I want both worlds.
I need to meet myself halfway.
No more of this pity bullshit.
I'm done with it and with dependence.

I'm starting a new world;
A world of my own where I can compromise.
And that world starts today...

Could you?

I don't want to be like her
I don't want to be a shadow of what she once was
I would rather not be annoying, bitchy, or judgmental
And I obviously do not wish to be perfect for your parents.

So could you start communicating with me more?
Could you start answering my calls and texts?
Could you start being considerate of my feelings?
And could you start standing up for me in front of your parents?

I ask all of these things so that I won't be her
And you won't have another bimbo girlfriend,
But a passionate friend.

Please Answer

People leave.
Most people leave things behind
Things like memories, love, passion,
Ideas, heartache, friendship
Things that cannot be retrieved unless sought.

Most do not come back to search
They piddle away anything useful and meaningful
And search for something or someone else
Because it is easier to find new than repair old.

I do not leave.
I try not to leave good things behind.
The bad can gladly fade away.
The good, I tend to keep my grip on.

Like you, my dear friend.
How many times have you said you wanted to see me
Only to never answer my phone calls
Or my ideas of getting together?

I love you.
But sometimes, you bite off more than you can chew.
Luckily, I know how that can happen
And I try to be patient, but it can hurt.

Please answer next time.


Dedicated to M.G.

He Once Loved You

It's like a painful friendship
One you want to keep, but just can't
It's a familiar song, a forgotten card
It's a storm while driving
It is the single most thing you cannot explain

A love so lost that it cannot be found
Not even in another form
A stranger awaits you
But the familiar face stares you down

You can't help, but wonder
You think, What if?
A cold, harsh reality beats on your heart
And you wash your face in the present
Hoping the past's lingering stench disappears
With the memories you've buried so deeply away

You cannot touch them
Unless he draws them out of your brain
Like a cat to a saucer of milk
He sheds his skin and melts back into that same man
The man you knew before and dances his dance
Before your eyes so that you may know
He once loved you.

Legos

If there's anything in life that I want,
It is to be with you
And not just in a physical sense
Or an entitlement,
But in your surrounding aroma,
In your soft voice,
In your warm gaze.

I just want to play Legos with you all day
I want to eat at Outback for every dinner
I want to lounge in the lazy river at Geauga Lake
And then sumo wrestle you with my tube!

I want to be Buzz and you be Woody
I want to scream 80s hits in your car
I want to cuddle in your bed and take afternoon naps
I want to make us smores at our bon fires

I want to paddle boat with you at the lake
I want to buy you things like a captain's hat
I want to go on walks to talk about deep things
I want to talk on the phone with you before and after work

I just want you and all of you
I want your smiles, your old man shoes, your cologne
Your kisses, your laugh, your mustache, your voicemails
Your CDs, your NBA2k, your attitude, your friends,
Your heart, your love, your Legos...and I mean the last one.

I want you to be you and be a strong, fun you
You deserve it, for you are one of the best people I have ever met.
We fit well together, we love each other,
I can't wait to spend more time with you!
Under Pressure, Almost Queen, Marriage
I'm sorry. I'll try to stop.

I love you so much.
Please know that I would never do anything to hurt you.
You are the love of my life.
Now give me some of your Legos.



Dedicated to K.J.L.

Dave Matthews in My Car

Loneliness rings out like a church bell
Across the vastness of who she is
As she sits in the parking lot,
Dave Matthews sings of filling the emptiness
She lowers her driver's seat
To escape the passing eyes devouring her face

She throws her arms over her eyes
And begins to weep without shame
Dave Matthews still coos of Grey Street
And doing anything to fill the loneliness

Relying on others never works
She digs deep into herself
Only to find memories of a neglectful mother,
A workaholic father and pangs of guilt and hurt

Her face is lined with mascara strokes down her cheeks
She feels the wetness as she glides her fingertips across them, smearing them
She stares into the rearview mirror and sees a little girl
Who in the face of others' selfishness could not hide anymore

She wedges back into the crack of depression
Where she hid for so many years
Away from her neglectful mother, her workaholic father
And the loneliness that plagues her now

Perception of Beauty

4/4/11- 11pm-ish

Perception of Beauty

The scale’s red numbers light up as she stares down upon them

Judging them with a harsh mirror of society

Knees meet linoleum

Finger in her mouth

She gracefully lurches forward

Her frail body swaying

Like a tall prairie grass in a listless breeze

She feels the upheaval again

An old friend appearing once more

She reaches for the porcelain sides she’s shackled to

And braces for impact

Her contents laid out, she wipes her mouth

And discards the evidence of her failures

She hops back on her sovereign master

The scale’s red numbers light up,

One pound down, she smiles

And walks out as if nothing happened

Beauty has become tainted by a mask of deceit

Society imposes impossible feats to mark true beauty

Skinny body, smooth skin, luscious lips, tight butt, longer lashes,

Painted nails, designer clothes, stylish hair,

The demands we’ve placed upon ourselves

Have outgrown our own capabilities

Giving us a limitless example of our faults

Leading us to an insatiable desire and quest for perfection

That no one can conquer

I wonder if

I wonder if you ever have a fleeting thought of me

If you ever look at something and flashback

To a time when we, underneath the bunk bed,
Laid together knowing that the world was ours

I wonder if you ever feel the same longing

As we once had, while with her,

Knowing what you did when we were still meshed

And me loving every minute of it til the very end

I wonder if you ever regret what you did to me

If you ever look at yourself in the mirror

Hating yourself as I hated you then

And believing the very lies you used to hide your faults

I wonder if she's as good to you as I was

If she loves you, devotes her life to you as I did

Do you look at her and think of me?
Does her kiss remind you of mine?

I wonder if you ever really did stay true to me

At least physically, since we both know the truth

About your mental and emotional cheating

How you two knew, before it was over, your fate

I wonder if after all of this time you can still say

That you loved me with all of your heart

That you wanted to marry me and me bare your children

That you wanted to love and live with me until the end of time

I wonder if it was ever real or just some game

We played together, because we didn't know what else to do

Did we ever love each other or was it just a childish fling?
A three and a half year event full of passion, friendship, and 'I love you's

I wonder if I can ever completely forget our memories

And rely fully on the present and the future to let me

Dive into them and emerse myself in my current world

Of love and life and happiness without you

I wonder if my life can be rid of the demons of the past

And the devils of my sin and be a blank sheet of nothingness

Ready to be forgotten, shed like dead skin

Where you are not even a memory

I wonder if I would be where I am without you

If I would have learned all that I know now without you

Breaking my heart so thoroughly and without emotion

Would I still have dug into my soul to find myself?

I wonder if it would have worked out at another time in life

What if we waited? Would anything have come from it?

We were children just living for each other with nothing to lose

And everything to gain except a love that we couldn't understand

I wonder if I am who I am because of you

I ask myself often if you changed me at all

And I know that you have, but it was for the worst

For I had to hit rock bottom before I could go back up to myself

I wonder if you cared as I fell apart, alone without my best friend

Or my lover there to comfort me and tell me life would get better

Did you ever care or was that just an act to get what you wanted?

Was I just a play thing or was that only in the end?

I wonder if you knew how to tell people or if you just let them

Make their own assumptions, like your mother who I still talk to

I doubt you had the balls to tell them you cheated

That you really were the one to blame and not just me

I wonder if you lied your way out of your feelings so you could

Be with her, like you never really loving me, or love leaving suddenly

Look at you now...look where you've gone...and then look at me

You painted this picture, but I am fine so in the end, all is well with me
Is it well with you?

The Rings

2/22/11

10:25am

The Rings

It's me and Jake and Sarah

We're at the top of those creaky, wooden stairs

Looking down on another fight.

The yelling, the tears, the anguish.

All of our hearts were re-broken that night.

Jake left.

How was I to know that would be one of the few times I saw him throughout the next three years?

Sarah and I held diamond rings

The last impression from our father

A gift where he tried to show his love

My mother always wore rings...

Not anymore.

To Tell You the Truth

2/22/11

9:50am

To Tell You the Truth

To tell you the truth

would be to let every

ounce of me escape. I

would have to unlock

all of the doors and

windows to my soul

and let you in. Do

you think that is

fair? Why should I

when you do not?

To tell you the truth

this hurts me more

than it hurts you.

Oh, the trouble I

go through just to

be with you. Why

do I put myself

through it? Why

won't you put

yourself through it?

To tell you the truth

I'm in love with you.

I have been for a

year. I laugh, dance,

sing, cheer when I

am with you. So why

don't you come around

more often. Can you

do this for me? Is it

worth it to you?

Tattoo

Tattoo

2/22/11

9:40am

He went as a boy

But came back a man

His shoulders more broad

A firm grip in his hands.

He signed up after just opening his eyes

Fresh meat; bruised and cold, but given a chance

I received letters of him missing home and

Giving me words of wisdom and guidance

Jake returned

My elder brother, home at last

A few short blinks go by

He's off again, unashamed and unabashed

He camouflaged his heart

With a cold voice, he swears not

His body inked with an outline

Of the life he had sought

Where he has been, he will never be again.

Cheating

Cheating

She was curled up on their bed

Her face was damp as was the part of the blanket where her head rested

She had lost it all.

All of her sweat, tears, energy that she put into it was gone.

He had sex with her partner's, her best friend's, daughter.

We sat on the navy blue carpet in front of the floral couch.

I can still remember how close I was to Jake and Sarah in that moment.

"I cheated on your mom with Judy. I may be going away for a while."

We did moan as my mother had when she lost her world for the millionth time.

We quietly cried our tears and sat in silence, listening.

My First

My First

1/27/11

9:28am

Reilly; he was my first

The first to take me to school on my own

My first sign of independence

He was with me for my first dead end,

My first tireless search,

My first job,

My first love,

My first heartbreak,

My first life crisis,

My first time at inner peace

Reilly was there through it all until...

We were stranded,

Route 62 near the billboard;

He just couldn't make it home.

We dragged his shell to my dad's shop

The goodbyes were hard

He was one of the only dependable things in my life

The snow fell and made a mountain out of Reilly

His shell sold while I was gone

After such a loss, I couldn't move on

But that's when Anita came...

To Reilly

Jealousy

Jealousy

1/25/11

9:40am

In the dark,

It breathes; it creeps,

In the dark,

It does not sleep.

In the dark,

It fans the flame.

In the dark,

It has no shame.

In the dark,

Its motive thickens.

In the dark,

Its heartbeat quickens.

In the dark,

It gives a glare.

In the dark,

It gives too much care.

In the dark,

In crimson, it waits.

In the dark,

It boils with hate.

The "M" Word

The "M" Word

1/20/11

9:30am

His eyes red, itchy, watering.

A rag on his forehead,

A touch and I'm burnt;

He's on fire.

I stare into his windows

Only to see pain and longing within

We are both thrown at the merciful-less feet of life

Kissing them tenderly

I search deep within him

Something has changed

There's a newfound softness

Like the Petals on a soon Wilting Flower

It seems to go on forever,

But the clock speeds up

Mixing the woes and joys so they cannot be distinguished

All the while, coughing comes from within

I sit by his side, smile,

I see that glimmer of hope from his windows

As they sparkle and dance

And he says he loves me.

My heart now dances,

But only if this were another time

I would love it much more

And cherish it as if I'd never let the thought go

For K.J.L.

It is done

It Is Done

1/18/11

9:35am

Last night, the gates fell

And a flood rushed out of me

Both tongue and eye

Unveiled themselves like never before

He too had had dam break,

But the sharpness of his tongue hit me

Words got lost behind the red of his face

Understanding was muddled due to the red of my eyes

It was a fight.

But unlike so many other, this was my confidant.

How did that spill out?

We both have and now had our breaking point.

I wake up to the cloudy, January morning.

No answer. No word. Nothing.

Surely, it's over.

This cannot last forever.

Noon came and went;

Nothing came from him.

My mind fixated on his tongue

Those harsh words

But I forgave him

Now I needed forgiveness

Sitting in my room,

Finally, a voice spoke out against the dark night sky

"It'll be okay."

I flood again only because I am relieved.

Life carries on.

It is done.

For A.R.M.