We all have them: Expectations.

Expectations

–noun

1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

6. the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.

7. Statistics . mathematical expectation.

8. the state of being expected: a large sum of money in expectation.

We all have them,

But when do they become too much?

When do they take over?

When do they hurt everyone around you including yourself?

Anticipating something. Setting a standard. Raising the bar.

Why?

Why can't we just accept things as they are?

Society's fault? Parent's fault? Our own fault?

Possibly all of the above.

Change it.

Start now.

You can do it.

Just start slowly.

Eventually, it works.

And a little hint: God helps.

Training your mind is also needed.

Train so that you can enjoy people instead of just wanting something from them.

Love them for what they have to offer, not what they could be offering.

Say thank you whenever possible. You do not know the strength of "Thank you." or even "I appreciate you."

My boyfriend and I started saying, "I appreciate you." It has helped loads!

It shows that we genuinely love each other and even if things do not work out how we wanted, we still appreciate the thought of trying to make things perfect.

Things will never be perfect. But when we try to make them and then things blow up on us, we are so uptight about it. And then we're let down.

If we didn't have expectations...this wouldn't happen.

But at the same time, if we didn't have expectations, we wouldn't look forward to things.

Where is the happy medium?

You have to find it within yourself and within your different relationships.

None is the same.

Love everyone around you. Set realistic goals for your relationships and roles. And learn to go with the flow when things crumble. Life is too much fun to be uptight. I learned that from you.

I love you, Whale.

Thank you for helping me come to these conclusions and being a positive influence in my life.

Also, thank you, God, for being a loving Father. =) Merciful and gracious.

Dedicated to the two greatest loves of my life: God and Whale

Part 2- My Whale

I couldn't have done this without you.

You make it so easy to love and want to live.

You've changed me completely.

Outlook positive, past behind, one step at a time.

Live for the now and dream of the future.

Embrace each other in love and our differences.

Dwell only on good, spend your money, and just be happy.

Just be happy.

And have fun. Have loads of fun. Don't ever let life get too serious.

God, what was I doing before you?

You make every day an adventure.

You help me be the person I have always envied others for being.

You are the person I want to be.

Mentor, friend, lover, dreamer, inventor.

You have this weird unconditional love for me.

Have never felt this before from a man.

It's new and exciting and scary.

But almost scary in a good way.

Scary in a -What if I screw this up?- way,

But it's unconditional...so is that possible?

You made fun of my fin and here we are.

Happy, loving every moment, in love.

My friend, my lover, my Whale.

God, you're my everything and I am so in love with you.

Dedicated to K. J. L.

Part 1- You are Neutral

Forgiven.

You are forgiven.

It happened in a flash.

Body, mind, heart in a dash.

I was driven.

So you're forgiven.

A click in my brain.

So fucking insane.

Couldn't have seen it before

I just had to be sure

It was over and done

For the both of us

And not just one.

Neutral you are to me

Dear you will stay,

But in the past,

Far, far away.

Even though not forgiving is a sin,

Both sad and happy this is the end

A new chapter begins,

But this time, I am with a real friend.

Cheers to Learning

GET OUT OF MY LIFE!
LEAVE, BE GONE!
NEVER RETURN!!

I deleted you from everything.
You find a way back in.
My mind erased the photos that I thought would never end.

You make me want to vomit,
That's how nauseous I feel.
When you're around,
I feel I've found
The one thing that should have never been!

BUT I HAVE TO FORGIVE YOU
Or this will carry with me forever.
How can I do that when you just make me sooooo fucking angry?!
I am letting myself think about it and maybe I shouldn't,
But at least we know that I'm not over this.

Too much hurt and pain leads to not being able to forgive
God forgave so I need to learn.

Cheers to learning.

Thank You For Being My Friend

You remind me of someone
I knew a while ago,
They had a sharp wit
And went with the flow.

But they left so quickly
My eyes they did not phase.
I thought I'd be fine,
But my heart was ablaze.

I guaranteed you'd follow
His once sought out course,
But here you are
And making you stay, I don't have to force.

You make me smile,
Life is good when you're around.
You are a close friend;
I am glad it was you I found.

The laughter and tears you've helped mend,
A blessing to me you have been.
I couldn't have done it without you in the end;
Thank you for being my Friend.

Dedicated to A.R.M.

Just Another Brutus

You're just another Brutus,
Passing out the crown of thorns.
Your rose blossomed
And a heartless individual was born.

A veil over my eyes,
Narrow was my thinking.
Marriage in the wings,
My heart was pleading.

Tossed aside
After so long.
Lost and abandoned,
I did not know right from wrong.

Rebellion set in.
A mess I became.
Slowly finding my own way
And name.

I dabbled in delight
Was scorned with shame,
Through the many lessons,
I became tame.

I became a new me,
Your influence on me faded.
I thought I was fine,
But my heart was still jaded.

A man came in
And stole my heart away.
He keeps telling me
He's here to stay.

Petrified of a past repeat,
My heart lies still,
But wanting to dive in
And claim its thrill.

You've scorned me
For the last time.
Right now, I dictate thinking of you
Is a crime.

Goodbye, so long, adieu.

For the last time, to B.D.S.

A Push Away

5/19/10


A push away, you say,
Well, sometimes a hug and a smile
Are more than needed
Every once in a while

Only a stairwell away,
The atlas, pink heart, couch waiting,
Caught in between happiness and sadness
My heart is debating.

How grand is sunshine
When free of rain.
A simple push
Cannot stop the pain.

An immature courtship and friendships
Not fully able to develop.
Missing you, not a strong enough phrase;
It'll be hard to cope.

Comrades, amigos, friends to the end,
A second family away from home,
You've taught me more than anyone,
Please don't forget your traveling gnome.


Dedicated to the best staff, family, friends I've ever had the honor of having in my presence.

Continuing the Strife

I'm holding it together
I'm holding on forever
Don't let this be the end for me

Working many hours
The clock has the power
To change everything or nothing at all

And you'll say anything just to hold on to what you've got
You'll do the tricks that weren't made for you
Spoil children just to get you through

And maybe, I had an influence on your life
But believe me when I say I won't be back to continue this strife

I wish the picture in the frame were real
Smiling all the time, thinking we were fine
He laughed cause the veil was working
In relationships, he was lurking

You have him in your grip
But guess what, it's about to slip
You can't control everything you want to
Look at your past, that's truer than true.

Let go and enjoy your time here
Stop making everything about your career
You're both holding on to something useless
Don't push God out with your excuses

I can't explain, because your ears can't hear...


And you'll say anything just to hold on to what you've got
You'll do the tricks that weren't made for you
Spoil children just to get you through

And maybe, I had an influence on your life
But believe me when I say I won't be back to continue this strife

There's just too much strife
I'll pray for you, but that's all there's left to do...


Dedicated to two people in my life that I love very much.

Take Me As I Am

I feel under, under, under,
Underappreciated
I feel neglected
Aviation, Over meee

I feel ugly and pitiful
Why does this happen to me?

Oh, sweet subconscious
You are the reason for my plight;
You are the key to my disaster

Why must you continue to eat at me
And make this my reality?

Father, mother, hear me call
Do nothing at all

Prisoner to my thoughts
A prisoner to my dreams
I wish this would let go
And not consume me.

I apologize for the wrong I've caused
Only you can help this wound heal
Take me as I am; I cannot change
Take me as I am; there's too much to feel.

I've fallen under, under, under,
My own insecurities.
I can't help but be reassured by them.
Take me as I am.
Please, just take me as I am.

The Garden Walls

I just want flowers,
Tulips would be nice.
But you can't back off that power
That's holding you in a vice.

You say the walls will fall,
But, Baby, I can't be the one
You trust to make that call.

Your walls are rooted and strong,
She cut you deeply, wounds open.
Your heart really did care all along,
But you can't let the walls out of the garden.

There are walls in the garden where they shouldn't be;
They hinder growth and leave nothing happy.

Pack more on to it
Saying you're saving it for a rainy day.
Well, these flowers need the rain and the sunshine;
Don't let the garden slip away.


Dedicated to K. J. L.

Expiration Date

Your words are soiled by your lying tongue
You purse your lips as the lies turn sourer and sourer
I didn't know your heart and your honesty had an expiration date

Deceiver, the Bible called you,
Listening was never my strong suit
You listened at least well enough to learn to say what I wanted to hear

Foaming at the mouth, your words dripping with deceit
Not a caring action or word ever did take place
It was all plastic, both card and fake

Too good, not good enough, fiction
You wrote your own piece and sold it
I bought all of the copies

Good times, there were none.
Overshadowed by a con artist and exploiter
Using reserved resources to get the selected services

No nice guy, no finishing last
I hope the next time you decide to string along another victim
She wises up and leaves before you have the chance to use her too.




Dedicated to S. A. A. M.

The Runaway Bride

Can I be who you want
While being true to myself?
Can I look to you
And know that there is no one else?

Are my doubts and fears,
All bundled up inside,
Really to blame
When I coming running as your Bride?

You stayed at the alter
Even though I ran away,
I keep coming back;
You've never swayed.

My dress is now White
When it once was gray.
You took the darkness
And made it fade.

Vibrant our wedding will be!
You keep repeating the vows you've already told.
It would be so grand
As long as my feet don't get cold.

I'm sorry.
I can never stop running.

Never Stops

10/28/09
1:02am
Never Stops


It never stops
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock
Constantly racing and reaching

But you have to draw back
Limitations put on you
Tears seem to be endless

The friend you need is the friend you can't go to
The friend you want, you cannot have
Be your own friend until this subsides

It seriously never, ever stops...